Please don’t take this as a request for a participation trophy just for showing up. Life is hard. Life with multiple sclerosis (MS) is a little bit (or a lot) harder, and allowing ourselves a moment of kindness now and again is a worthy investment in survival.
I’m Harder on Myself Than Is Helpful
As I come up on 20 years since diagnosis in a couple of months, I realize that I’m still harder on myself than is probably helpful to my overall well-being. I get agitated when I stumble. I get aggravated when things fall from my hands (often to a shattering end). I get frustrated at the added time things now take. I get angry when “Sure, I’d love to” is replaced with “Please accept my regrets.” I get all those ways at all those things and so much more … and my default seems to be to take it out on the assailed rather than the perpetrator. I am not a victim of my multiple sclerosis, but I do often feel like the unwitting cat’s-paw in a sting, sent down the river for something out of my control. In therapy-speak, that’s about the time I start “should-ing” on myself. It’s absurd, and it has to stop.
It Helps to Laugh at the Absurdity of It
Luckily, the first part of the answer can be found in my last, exasperated sentence. It is absurd, and I’ve begun treating it like most other absurdities of these mad times in which we live. I laugh! Laughter has always been a big part of my life, and I try for an Rx of daily doses. As I’ve grown older, I note the ready subject for such outbursts of amusement lies in the man laughing. I’ve come to the realization that if I’m not laughing with myself, I’m missing half the jokes. I say “with” because there is caring at laughing with myself, and a cruelty in laughing at myself. We are, after all, talking about being kind to ourselves. Besides, laughter is the great diffuser.
Practicing Understanding and Empathy Helps, Too
Beyond laughter, I find the rocky, uphill path of understanding and empathy is one well worth the time and effort to ascend. We innately know that empathy for others, or when it is proffered to us, is a cooling emotional salve. Unlocking our ability to understand the progression of feelings and reactions — from antecedent to behavior — can allow a self-tenderness when we need it most. Like many of the kindnesses we find easy to show others, self-application can seem an indulgence at first blush. A few tries, however, and you’ll see the multiple benefits of allowing yourself the compassion you afford to others. RELATED: 5 Exercises to Help You Nurture Self-Compassion
It Changes Both Nothing and Everything
It’s not that laughter and compassion have solved the stack of problems that MS heaps in my way. In fact, not one single multiple sclerosis symptom has gone away owing to my self-kindnesses. What has changed are my responses, my reactions, and my behaviors, and by changing those, I can change the consequences of our interloper’s mischief. Multiple sclerosis has and will continue to put up its walls in my path. I have, and will continue, to do what I can to slow the construction and find ways around the barriers. I have, however, afforded myself the kindness of not kicking or banging my head against them. It’s a hard-fought, long-in-coming lesson I’ve learned. Perhaps “Try a Little Tenderness” would be a good theme song for my efforts. Wishing you and your family the best of health. Cheers, Trevis
