It was a horrible time for me because of the high fever and the resulting hallucinations, which included seeing a bunch of daddy longlegs spiders crawling down the drain pipe in my bathroom. I often think back to that time and wonder what impact the malaria may have had on my brain. But one lasting effect I’m well aware of is that I go out of my way to avoid daddy longlegs! However, because of multiple sclerosis (MS), that’s gotten more difficult to do, as I experienced recently.
Home Construction Allowed in the Creepy-Crawlies
As part of construction work taking place in my home to create a handicapped-accessible addition, many windows and doors have been taken out, making this space vulnerable to animals that normally live outdoors, including grasshoppers, worms, and several unidentified flying creatures that have been making our existing bathroom their home. One day, a daddy longlegs was climbing up the shower wall while I was sitting on the tub bench below, a sight that reminded me of being 5 years old with a high fever. I had already asked David, my partner, to take the creatures out of the bathroom. But I soon realized that there was a proliferation of daddy longlegs everywhere, so obviously this was a new hatch. So there I was, sitting on the tub bench with one immobile foot, and the spider, my worst nightmare, was inches away from me in the tub. Talk about facing my fears! I just needed to get away from this horrible situation, but because of how 37 years of MS have affected me, I couldn’t. If I could have, I would have simply stepped out of the tub, giving the spider its space. Interestingly, my thinking changed from fear to commiseration.
Neither the Spider nor I Wished to Share Space With the Other
One thing was clear: Neither the spider nor I wanted to be in that tub in such close proximity to one another. What I saw was a helpless, defenseless spider with legs that were inconveniently long, out of proportion to the small body that is the center of its universe. Those legs were the center around which my phobia had formed. They were too long and delicate, and did not allow the spider to stay on a long, perpendicular wall, particularly if the wall was a wet shower wall. The spider had no traction. We had that in common, along with no coordination of our legs. I am not comparing myself to the spider or identifying with it in any way; I am just drawing interesting parallels in our life circumstances. I was facing my worst phobia by finding ways to mitigate the fear in a positive way. These creatures are harmless and do not bite. I feel as though I was starting to use my compromised self to tackle a situation that I had never faced before. This not only requires rising to a higher plane but also using patience and understanding. I was patient enough to see how helpless my nemesis was and how I had unfairly made the spider the target of my disparagement. And this entire time, the spider was trying its best to keep out of my way. My only excuse was the way it looked and that it had too many long legs. I will say my excuse is hard to get over. A good approach to dealing with my fear is making sure no spiders are within eyesight when I go to take a shower, so they are not in danger of falling into the bathtub or on me. I have a shower routine that I do not like disrupted in any way. The spiders were always a disruption.
Unable to Escape, I Adapted My Thinking
Would I have the same level of understanding if I wasn’t living with MS and compromised mobility? Normally I would have just walked out of the bathroom, which I am unable to do, or flushed the spider down the toilet without hesitation, something which I also cannot do, given the mobility involved. These creatures are not venomous and certainly not a danger to humans. Spiders, particularly this type, just want to be left alone. Tackling a phobia like this means more to me than anyone else, I am sure. So have I just discovered a deeper sense of understanding and empathy that I possess because I took the time to try and understand my fear of spiders? I try to apply the same strategy to my MS, seeing it in a different way, but obviously, that demon is beyond anyone’s comprehension.
