Read on for the scoop on this concept, including how to find yours and put it into practice. The 5 Love Languages hit bookstores in 1992, but since then, there have been updated editions and versions focused on men, singles, military couples, and more. Before delving deeper into love languages, let’s outline each one.
1. Gifts
You show and feel love through presents. These can be small tokens or bigger items.
2. Acts of Service
You demonstrate your affection with thoughtful gestures, such as cooking a meal, cleaning the house, or filling the car with gas. When others do the same for you, you feel loved.
3. Words of Affirmation
You most appreciate giving and receiving love through words, including compliments, praise, cheerleading, and other verbal expressions of support or admiration. For you, words speak louder than actions.
4. Quality Time
You feel most loved while spending meaningful, focused time with your partner. This may mean sharing a meal, taking a staycation, or learning a new skill together like painting, pottery, or dancing.
5. Physical Touch
You prefer to express and receive affection through physical contact. Think hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and having sex.
Gifts You show love and care with gifts, put extra time and effort into finding the perfect gift, and enjoy receiving gifts yourself.Acts of service You look for ways to be helpful, like finishing the chores, making dinner, or running important errands — and you appreciate when your partner does the same for you.Words of affirmation You value sharing your emotions and hearing your partner talk about theirs. You make an effort to offer reassurance to your partner, and compliments are a key to your heart.Quality time You come up with a bunch of ideas about what you and your partner can do when you’re together. You appreciate it when your partner gives you their full attention without distractions.Physical touch You like to cuddle, touch, and kiss. When you’re upset, a hug calms you down more than words.
Another great way to figure out which love language you and your partner prefer is to take Chapman’s love language quiz. “This quiz is highly effective, and I recommend it to all my couples,” says Richard Heller, a trained mediator and relationship counselor in New York City. “Love languages are a great tool to supplement the health of a relationship,” says Jessica Small, a marriage and family counselor with Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Denver. “Speaking to your partner in their love language ensures that they feel loved, cared for, and important. It also creates increased opportunities for positive interactions.” The book also focuses on monogamous, cisgender, heterosexual couples, so it may feel alienating to people in other types of relationships. Also, while Chapman describes himself as a “marriage counselor,” he is not a licensed marriage or individual counselor. He holds a doctor of philosophy (PhD) degree in adult education from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. Finally, while it may be tempting to believe that love languages will fix a broken relationship, they are not the solution to all relationship issues. “When a couple has a basic communication problem, showing that you love them is helpful, but it will not resolve differences that are central in the relationship,” Heller says. Here are some suggestions from Heller and Small to get you started.
Gifts
Pick up their favorite snack or treat when you’re at the store.Make them a personalized playlist.Give your partner a framed photo from a trip you took together.Surprise them with coffee or breakfast in bed.
Acts of Service
Brew them some fresh coffee in the morning.Make a dinner reservation.Pick up groceries and cook a meal.Schedule a massage for them.
Words of Affirmation
Give a sincere compliment.Express gratitude and appreciation for your partner, unprompted.Share a poem or quote.Send a text message thanking them for something they did for you.
Quality Time
Turn off notifications or put your phone away when you spend time together.Plan a date night or weekend away.Go for a walk together after dinner.
Physical Touch
Hold their hand.Greet them with a hug the next time you see them.Cuddle when you watch a movie.Offer a massage.
To use the love languages framework in a nonromantic relationship, first observe how someone shows that they care for you. This will tell you their love language and what forms of affection will resonate most. For example, does your friend typically coordinate your get-togethers? Reciprocate with an act of service, like making the dinner reservations the next time you meet up. Does your coworker pick up coffee for you without being asked? Take them out to lunch to return the gift. “Human beings literally cannot love others without loving themselves first,” says Heller. “In order to love qualities in others, we first recognize what those qualities are somewhere else. Guess where? In ourselves!” Once we identify our love language, he adds, it becomes much easier to take time to love and care for ourselves. When we take time to engage in self-care practices that are specific to our needs, we reap health benefits, too. A study published in April 2019 in the BMJ suggested that people who followed self-care practices were more likely to make informed decisions about their health and healthcare, and had increased choice, accessibility, and affordability in these areas. To reap the self-care benefits of the five love languages, Small recommends exploring how each might translate to expressions of self-love. For example, if your love language is acts of service, she suggests outsourcing household tasks that bog you down (like cleaning or cooking). Or, if you need to spend some quality time by yourself, consider treating yourself to a spa day. Read on for some more inspiration for applying the love languages to self-care. Gifts
Treat yourself to your favorite coffee drink from your local coffee shop instead of your usual home-brewed cup.Reward yourself with a professional massage or facial after a long week at work.Make room in your budget for a special treat or experience you’ve been wanting for a long time.
Acts of Service
Organize your work or living space.Create a to-do list to help yourself stay on top of your responsibilities.Cook yourself a nice meal.
Words of Affirmation
Write yourself a love letter.Make a list of positive affirmations to tell yourself daily.Spend time journaling about positive experiences and things you’re looking forward to.
Quality Time
Take yourself on a date to a museum, a movie, or a park.Start a meditation practice you enjoy.Find and practice a new hobby.
Physical Touch
Give yourself a facial or foot massage.Put on your softest, coziest PJs and curl up under a blanket when you need to relax.Take a bubble bath.
