And it’s true — it is harder. Many situations in adolescence and young adulthood not only introduce us to lots of new people, but also present repeated opportunities to continue seeing those people and building intimacy. Intimacy, in both platonic and romantic relationships, develops in part because of geographical closeness, says Mahzad Hojjat, PhD, a professor of psychology at University of Massachusetts Dartmouth who researches friendships and close relationships. Being near someone else physically creates more opportunities for bonding, she explains: “The more you see each other, the more you may discover that you share the same interests.” Small talk may lead you to discover that you both enjoy the same TV shows or want to explore hiking trails in your area. When you take a leap of vulnerability and admit these kinds of desires, friendships can deepen, Dr. Hojjat says. It helps build mutual trust. That’s why there’s likely less of an opportunity to build closeness with someone you meet once at a yoga class versus someone you see regularly for a sports practice or semester-long class. Research suggests that the global pandemic has made this task harder. A 2021 report by Harvard University’s Graduate School of Education, based on a survey of 950 Americans done in October 2020, found that 36 percent of respondents reported serious loneliness, meaning they felt alone frequently or almost all the time. That included 61 percent of young people ages 18 to 25 and about half of mothers with young children. Social distancing efforts could indeed be making it more difficult for people to grow and maintain friendships right now, says Marisa G. Franco, PhD, a psychologist based in Washington, DC, whose book Platonic: The Surprising New Science of Making — and Keeping — Friends as an Adult will be published later this year. We tend to underestimate how just being around other people physically contributes to friendships. Many friendships are built on doing things together, she explains. “When you can’t go hang out, those connections tend to fall apart.” So, how can you grow your social circle and the depths of those relationships no matter what stage of life you’re in? Here are some expert tips to get you started.
1. Share an Experience Rather Than Just a Beverage
There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation over coffee or a glass of wine, but there’s a tendency for that interaction to be more surface level, says Celeste Headlee, the Rockville, Maryland–based author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter. “Deepening a relationship always involves creating memories with that person,” she says. And you do that by sharing experiences. Those memories give you connection points and conversation topics, Hojjat adds. It’s the raw material that grows into inside jokes and getting to know what really makes someone else tick and what sets them off. Try inviting a friend on a hike, to play a board game, to go bowling, or even something more extensive like a yoga retreat or a series of cooking classes.
2. Better Yet, Bond Over Giving Back
Volunteering is particularly helpful because it’s an activity you can both feel good about while you’re bonding, adds Gail Saltz, MD, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital and the host of the podcast, How Can I Help? Bonus points if you choose something fun that you both enjoy doing, she says. “Try something out of the ordinary that feels playful and even zany,” she suggests. “Building memories means creating experiences you can reminisce about, since that builds closeness.”
3. Ask for Help
Asking someone else for help sends the message that you trust and need the other person. And most people tend to feel good about lending a hand, Dr. Franco says. “We all want to feel useful, and like we have something to contribute to others,” she says. “Even a simple activity where that happens can be meaningful.” Maybe that’s putting together a bookshelf, cooking an elaborate dinner, or planting some trees. Or just ask a friend for advice, says Headlee. Doing so will definitely build closeness. “You’re showing this person you want them to be a more important part of your life,” she adds. But do remember not to force conversations when the other person appears uncomfortable. Some people like diving right into intense conversations; for others that can be overwhelming. Be aware of the other person’s response. If comments seem short or dismissive, you might be “overwatering” the conversation, Franco says.
4. Go Out of Your Way to Be There
You don’t need to be on call 24/7 as a friend, but Dr. Saltz says that when you’re strict about only seeing one another or talking once a week after yoga class, it can feel like you’ve drawn a line in the sand. “That sends the message that your friend isn’t a priority, and that it’s not okay if they call at an inconvenient time, or want to get together on short notice,” she adds. “If you drop something to be there for them, at least sometimes, your message is: We really matter to each other, our friendship is important to me.” RELATED: Why Friendships Are So Important for Health and Well-Being
5. Be a Good Listener
We all need to vent from time to time, and so do our friends. Being a good listener — one who doesn’t automatically leap toward offering advice and solutions — is part of not overwatering the friendship, Franco says. That shows the other person that you’ll be respectful of how that person is processing their feelings, not like you’re rushing to “fix” the situation. “If you want a friendship that is built on intimacy instead of just proximity or shared interests, it’s important to be able to listen,” Franco says. Not sure if your friend is looking for an answer or an open ear? Ask, Franco says. Try: “Do you want advice on the situation, or do you just need me to listen?”
6. Embrace New Friendships for What They Are
You’ll likely be close with new friends in ways that are different from past friendships, and that doesn’t make one connection better than another. “As we age, our sense of identity changes,” says Franco. The reasons we’re friends with our friends change. “You’re not precisely the same person you were 10 years ago, or maybe even a few years ago,” she adds. Just because a friendship is different doesn’t mean it’s more or less important. Comparing friendships or friend circles with ones you had in the past can put pressure on the friendships you have now. Instead, see new connections for what they are: fresh opportunities to get to know people you like, Headlee says.
