The social distancing required by the COVID-19 pandemic has upended many if not all those expectations about the rhythms and routines of our lives. Holiday gatherings, birthday parties, sporting events, and weekly coffee or dinner dates are all on hold until the virus is contained. More than just another meal or a way to blow off steam, these occasions hold real significance for us, and they’re an essential part of what it means to be a human. The loss of rituals, both big and small, is one of the casualties of pandemics. Research suggests that people who partake in more rituals tend to be happier, according to Shira Gabriel, PhD, an associate professor and researcher in the department of psychology at the State University at Buffalo in New York. “Rituals can also make us feel connected to other people, more likely to feel that our life has meaning, and less likely to be depressed or anxious,” says Dr. Gabriel. “Collective effervescence happens when the moment you are in transcends the regular and becomes somehow special, and you feel a connection to the other people there,” says Gabriel. This phenomenon was first described in terms of religion, but it also happens in other collective events that we don’t always think about as rituals, but that have a lot of the same qualities, she says. “Going to concerts or football games — those fit a lot of our criteria for ritual, and they’re a big part of our life.” It comes down to the connection we feel to the other people involved in the ritual and a sensation of sacredness — the feeling that somehow the moment has been changed from an ordinary moment to something special and unique, Gabriel says. “These rituals are really important to our mental health and well-being, both physically and emotionally,” she says.
Gatherings of All Kinds Help Us Feel Connected to One Another
Religions throughout history have come together for rituals, says Gabriel. “A lot of religions even have rules requiring that a certain number of people be together for a worship service. This can give the sensation that something sacred and important is going on,” she says. More secular events can arouse these same feelings, even though we often view these activities as “guilty pleasures,” says Gabriel. “We’ll think, ‘I spent too much money going to concerts’ or ‘My husband is obsessed with football and wastes so much time on it.’” But don’t underestimate the importance of these sorts of rituals, she says. There are reasons why we’re so powerfully drawn to them. Gabriel recalls an example of sport as ritual from when she attended Chicago Cubs baseball games when she was a grad student at Northwestern University. “There are some very specific rules for the fans there. For example, if the other team hits a ball into the stands, you have to throw it back; you don’t get to keep that ball,” she explains. “If you’re unaware of that ritual and you don’t throw it back right away, people start screaming and yelling until you do,” says Gabriel. Being part of a custom like that is not only fun in the moment, it can make you feel connected to a sense of purpose and to the other fans, she says.
Mourning the Loss of Rituals During COVID-19
The social distancing that COVID-19 precautions require means that people haven’t been able to celebrate holidays such as Passover or Easter in the way they usually would, says Gabriel. “Collective rituals, such as a family getting together to eat a holiday meal, are hard to lose,” she says. “It’s okay to mourn that your Passover seder or Easter dinner didn’t happen in the same way this year because of COVID-19,” says Gabriel. “Give yourself the space to grieve over that.” “There are graduations, marriages, and even deaths without rituals right now because of the virus. We count on these to mark turning points in our lives, and not having them is a loss,” she says.
Creating New Rituals During Social Distancing
The lengths to which people are going during the pandemic to create new rituals is quite moving, says Gabriel. “I’ve seen stories of neighbors posting things online, such as ‘Everyone draw on your sidewalk today’ or ‘Put pictures of rainbows in your window.’ I’ve read stories of people in New York City cheering out their windows at 7 p.m. every night for the healthcare workers, and people in Italy singing from balcony to balcony. Those are rituals, and they’re beautiful ones that people have created in order to foster that sense of community in this really difficult time,” says Gabriel. Look for ways to engage in new rituals when possible, she suggests. “It may be a virtual or digital one, where the sense of connection is perhaps a little less tangible, but it’s still very important,” says Gabriel. The first step in creating a ritual is to find ways to make it special and different from what you’re doing at all other times, according to Gabriel. Once you decide how you’ll do that, find ways to include and connect to other people. “That will go a long way in making that event meaningful to you and the people you include,” she says. “Make use of whatever technology you have to reach out to people, and use whatever things you have around the house to make an event special,” says Gabriel. For example, for a child’s birthday, you could ask friends or family to Skype or Zoom and say hello at different times of the day, or have them draw or send pictures for your child for you to print out, she suggests. You could make a special birthday meal, preferably something that would be fun for your child to help with, says Gabriel. “Make a ritual out of making the meal, take pictures while you enjoy the meal, and then share the photos with friends,” she says. But don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have the energy or will to create new rituals at this time, she says. “If just getting through day by day is all you have to offer right now, that’s what you need to do,” says Gabriel. Keep in mind, too, that one day the pandemic will be over, and you’ll be able to celebrate an event such as a graduation or anniversary in person with the people who matter to you.
Try to Find Meaning in Isolation to Reduce the Spread of COVID-19
When you’re having a hard time with staying home and seeing friends only over a smartphone or computer screen, try to reframe this situation, says Gabriel. “We’re all doing this together for a really good reason. It’s an important part of our psychological well-being to feel like we’re part of something bigger than ourselves and to make meaning out of what’s happening,” she says. “If you can find that purpose and meaning in social distancing during COVID-19, that could be very helpful.”
