Should she go? A big wedding is the ultimate celebration, but unfortunately, all the hallmarks of the event — the talking, laughing, hugging, dancing — give the novel coronavirus the chance to spread. Still, many couples would never consider a pared-down wedding, much less a virtual celebration. Across the country, people are pushing on with big parties even in places that have banned large gatherings as a way to halt the spread of COVID-19. As a result, some weddings have become superspreader events, such as one in Maine that became the source of the state’s largest outbreak of COVID-19 to date. As the weather chills in northern states, weddings are moving inside, where the COVID-19 transmission risk is higher. Many people seem to consider an indoor venue safe as long as it is spacious — a misconception that public health experts are quick to dispel. “A big venue sounds great, but unless you are going to force people to stay apart, it won’t be effective in preventing spread,” says M. Kumi Smith, PhD, an assistant professor of epidemiology and community health at the University of Minnesota School of Public Health in Minneapolis. “The biggest challenge will be keeping people from getting close to each other at an event that is meant to be social.” So what do you do if someone you love is pushing on with their wedding plans even if you’re still sanitizing your groceries? Saying no to someone’s big day isn’t always easy, nor is sticking to your own safety measures if you do attend. To help you decide what to do, here’s a look at how one woman came to grips with a real-life situation, plus advice from a conflict expert about how to arrive at a compromise that honors your relationship with the couple but also keeps you safe. RELATED: Superspreaders: Could You Unknowingly Infect Hundreds — or Thousands — of People With the Coronavirus?
Making Difficult Choices
In Sioux Falls, South Dakota, a newlywed who canceled her own summer wedding in lieu of an intimate gathering with only her immediate family struggled with a friend who hadn’t made the same decision. Tensions began with the bachelorette party. “Pre-COVID, I would have absolutely put my party pants on and celebrated like crazy, but I couldn’t really do that this time around, and my friend didn’t seem to understand why I felt uncomfortable barhopping or going on a party bus right now,” she says. Ultimately she devised a compromise: “I decided to come a night early and spent an entire day with her and a few girls from the bridal party before they left on the party bus so I didn’t just not participate at all.” But when it came to the wedding, setting boundaries that she was comfortable with didn’t come as easily. Worried about her daughter and her mother, who recently underwent heart surgery, she decided she couldn’t serve as a bridesmaid — or even attend the wedding at all. The decision was painful, and it strained her friendship with the bride, but she knows that she was among a number of guests who made this choice. RELATED: You May Be Thinking About COVID-19 Risk All Wrong
Understanding the Couple’s Needs
According to Dana Caspersen, a conflict specialist based in Vermont and author of Changing the Conversation: The 17 Principles of Conflict Resolution, there are several ways to effectively approach having an uncomfortable conversation when someone has invited you to a large and important event that you may not feel comfortable attending. Start by trying to understand the underlying needs — for community, support, celebration, or acknowledgement — that are causing the couple to go ahead with a big in-person wedding despite the risk. This will enable you to move beyond the dilemma of whether to accept or reject the invitation (which can feel like deciding whether to accept or reject the couple) and reframe the issue: What could be a way to meet both their need for connection and celebration while also meeting your own need for safety? “With this question, many more options arise as your focus shifts toward as yet unseen possibilities, whether or not you decide to attend the event,” says Caspersen. RELATED: 12 Questions Answered on How to Handle Anxiety in the Age of COVID-19
Calmly Offering a Compromise
Arguing about the wisdom of a big in-person wedding is not likely to change a bride’s or groom’s mind, says Caspersen. “Instead, acknowledge that what they have decided does not have to determine what you decide. And if you connect your decisions to what matters to them on a deeper level, then you can still be part of this important time in their life,” she says. Using language that makes someone feel attacked or blamed is counterproductive, Caspersen advises. Instead, try saying something like: “I love you, and I’m so excited to celebrate this moment in your life with you. At the same time, for me, a large gathering is outside my comfort zone, COVID-wise, so I’ve come up with another way I’d like to connect with you on that day.” If you decide not to attend, think about what else you can do to make the couple feel honored and celebrated. Caspersen recommends creating a special video, putting together a collage of photos, or interviewing old friends to collect special memories. Another option may be to attend virtually. Chances are you aren’t the only one who feels uncomfortable attending a large gathering right now. Caspersen says taking on the task of organizing a virtual celebration may be a good way to show your support for the couple getting married. If you’re having trouble keeping your cool, it might be best to table the conversation and take some time to decompress. Caspersen recommends saying something like: “It sounds like we have really different ideas about how to deal with the pandemic. What if we took a breather and talked about this again in a bit? I’d love to think about how I can be part of the celebration and support you in this time, even though I need to go about it in a different way.” RELATED: 44 Top Self-Care Tips for Taking Care of You During the Coronavirus Pandemic
Minimizing Risks if You Decide to Attend
What if you decide to attend a large wedding despite the coronavirus? “First and foremost, keep a real distance from those around you,” says Dr. Smith. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends at least six feet, but a study published in August 2020 in BMJ found that six feet might not be far enough, especially if people are shouting or singing. Keeping your distance might mean sitting apart from the rest of the guests during the ceremony or opting out of the reception altogether. If part of the wedding is outside, where the risk of coronavirus transmission is lower, you may choose to attend only that portion of the celebration. Keeping your resolve to follow safety protocols — like wearing a mask when people around you aren’t — is more challenging than you might expect. “A lot of our behaviors are dictated by social cues,” says Smith. “If you see people around you behaving a certain way, you are more likely to follow suit.” Smith advises having a plan in place with a partner or friends who can bolster your resolve. “Having a communication plan with people you trust, which covers at what point you think you will be uncomfortable enough that you want to sit certain portions out, would be a good way to go,” Smith says. It also makes sense to let the couple who are marrying know what you’re thinking. “Be clear in advance about your safety protocols, and in the moment be clear with others about what you are willing, and not willing, to do,” says Caspersen. “Do this in a way that is not about the other people being wrong but about what matters to you.” RELATED: Why 10 Feet May Be Better Than 6 Feet
